Hoppin’ John is not only a staple recipe for good fortune every New Year but it’s also a pretty solid fucking meal. Let’s put the superstitious shit aside for just a goddamn minute and appreciate the nutritional value of this savory son of a bitch. There’s enough protein and fiber in here to help you start the year off right. EAT BETTER. FEEL BETTER. FUCK LUCK.
Last minute holiday shopping? FUCK ALL THAT NOISE. Why don’t you stay home and celebrate in style with some of these spicy sweet bastards? The sugar will keep you awake in case some son of a bitch tries sliding down your chimney in the middle of the night to pilfer your baked goods. NOT THIS YEAR, MOTHERFUCKER.
MMM MMM MOTHERFUCKER. This slick ass side dish should keep everyone’s mouths stuffed without all the sodium in those shitty stovetop mixes. Don’t fuck around with that bland boxed bullshit because if everyone is sitting around the table chatting during Thanksgiving dinner, SOMEONE FUCKED UP.
PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CAN OPENER. Trust me on this shit. Just look at the sugar content in that canned cranberry crap THEN check the serving size. GODDAMN RIGHT?! You and your loved ones deserve better than that red ribbed corn syrup.
GET THAT SOUPY GREEN SHIT OUTTA HERE. C’mon, anybody showing up with that casserole from a can didn’t even fucking try. How about something much tastier that packs some actual nutrition in it? Bring this bastard to Thanksgiving and nobody is going to ask you to do the goddamn dishes.
I DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN that you slept through breakfast. That’s no excuse to eat cold pizza wheneverthefuck you eventually drag your ass outta bed. You’re blurring meal times, nothing wrong with that. But don’t go wait in a fucking line at some pretentious restaurant that overcharges for breakfast food. Instead, cook up this filling motherfucker and give your stomach something worth waking up for. THIS SAVORY STACK OF PROTEIN & FIBER will keep you feeling FULL AS FUCK until Lunchtime. Grab a mimosa and BRUNCH LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.