You know how you lied and said that you’d actually bring something to the party this time? FUCKING DO IT. Did someone else bring a pasta salad? Throw that shit away because it doesn’t even hold a candle to what you just brought to the table. That zesty Italian dressing shit is played out.
WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T LOVE A GOOD SANDWICH? Well this here is a damn fine sandwich that I guarantee your taste buds would high five you if they could. I mean I’m no scientist, maybe they can high five. What the fuck do I know? SANDWICHES. That’s what I fucking know.
Spread some of this goodness on your next sandwich. It’s fucking delicious. And it lets you double up on your protein sources and cut down on the fat. Shit, don’t limit yourself to just sammies. This is a choice dip so grab some carrots and cucumbers. Afternoon snack: FUCKING DONE.
Don’t give me that “I don’t eat breakfast” bullshit. It’s too early to be an asshole. The fiber in the oatmeal helps control your blood sugar and keeps you feeling full until lunch. The quinoa gives your morning a little extra protein because why the fuck not? Start your day right by owning the shit out of it. CARPE FUCKING DIEM.
Next time someone tells you to eat more veggies, get down on these tiny motherfuckers. These low fat, high fiber sons of bitches are healthy as shit without sacrificing flavor. Trying to eat better? START WITH A FUCKING BURGER.
You won’t be stressing this summer if you’re sipping on this tasty glass of general badassery. The antioxidant loaded in theses blackberries will make sure free radicals aren’t fucking up your day. And the bourbon? YOU EARNED THAT SHIT.