Whether you’re spending Valentine’s Day with your significant other or your own sexy self, you’ve gotta fucking eat. But skip the expensive-ass restaurant and predictable chocolate covered whatever. Give yourself or someone special the gift of a food coma with this pasta. True love means sweatpants are always a dress code option.
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Serves 4 people or 2 hungry motherfuckers with nowhere to go
3 cups cooked kidney beans*
¼ cup chopped onion**
½ cup whole wheat bread crumbs
3 cloves garlic, minced
¼ cup nutritional yeast*** or flour
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon soy sauce or tamari
2 teaspoons no-salt, all-purpose seasoning blend
1 teaspoon each dried thyme, basil, and oregano
½ teaspoon grated lemon zest
1 large onion
2 carrot s
5 cloves garlic
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 teaspoon dried thyme
Pinch of red pepper flakes
2 cans(28 ounces) whole tomatoes****
1 pound of cooked pasta
Toss In Ideas: spinach, arugula, fresh basil, fresh parsley
Make the balls: First, stop saying “balls” and chuckling softly to yourself. Then crank your oven to 400°F. Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.
Mash up the beans in a large bowl until they form a paste. Some whole bean bits are cool, but try to keep that shit to a minimum. Stir in the rest of the ingredients for the balls and mix it all up so that everything gets distributed. You might need to use your hands to really get in there. Don’t fucking act like you’re too good to touch bean paste. If it feels a little dry, add a tablespoon or two of water. Roll the dough into balls about the size of a golf ball and put them on the greased baking sheet. You should get 20 to 25 depending on your rolling skills. Spray them lightly with cooking spray and bake for about 30 minutes, turning them over halfway, until both sides are golden brown.
While the balls are cooking, get your sauce ready. Chop up the onion. Dice up the carrot into pieces about the size of a pea. Mince the garlic up small. You can do this shit in your sleep. But don’t, because that is fucking dangerous.
Heat the oil in a medium soup pot over medium heat. Add the onion and sauté it until begins to look golden in some places, 5-7 minutes. Add the carrot and cook for another 3 minutes. Add the garlic, thyme, and red pepper flakes. This should smell fucking choice right now.
Open the cans of tomatoes, grab some of the whole tomatoes, and smash them in your fists like a fucked up stress ball. Squeeze them into a bunch of pieces and stir them into the pot as you go. Keep doing this until all the tomatoes are smashed up, then add 1 ½ cups of the juice from the cans to the pot along with a pinch of salt. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer this uncovered for 25 to 30 minutes, until all of the tomatoes are broken down. Taste and add more garlic, thyme, salt, or whateverthefuck you think it needs. If you like a smoother sauce, throw that shit in the blender or use an immersion blender to get rid of some of the chunks.
Now toss the cooked pasta with whatever mix-in bullshit you’ve picked out and top with an appropriate amount of pasta sauce. This recipe should make more than enough sauce so don’t skimp if that’s not what you’re about. Today is about you too, goddamnit. Fold in some bean balls with each serving and go to town.
*Or two 15-ounce cans.
** White, yellow, or sweet will do. Whatever is on sale.
*** Nutritional yeast, or nooch if you are in the know, is some real hippie shit. It’s deactivated yeast sold in flakes that makes everything taste kinda cheesy. It’s like healthy Cheeto dust. The future is now, people. It’s packed with B12, folic acid, selenium, zinc, and some protein. You can find it in bulk bins at some grocery stores and on the fucking Internet. Or just use flour. No stress.
**** Make sure there isn’t a shitton of salt or any other seasoning in there.