1. You know how you lied and said that you’d actually bring something to the party this time? FUCKING DO IT. Did someone else bring a pasta salad? Throw that shit away because it doesn’t even hold a candle to what you just brought to the table.  That zesty Italian dressing shit is played out.

    FRESH CORN AND HERB PASTA SALAD

    ½ cup of each herb: chopped green onions, cilantro, dill, and parsley (feel free to swap these around for whatever you’ve got. Shit, toss basil in the mix and it would be just as awesome)

    4-5 cloves of garlic all chopped up (I fucking love garlic so adjust according to your tastes)

    6 tablespoons sherry vinegar (red wine vinegar or even rice vinegar could work here if that’s what you got)

    4 tablespoons olive oil

    ½ teaspoon lemon zest (calm the fuck down, just grate the skin of the lemon on the smallest side of your grater)

    ¼ teaspoon salt

    1 pound of pasta (whole wheat, quinoa, brown rice, whatever you like)

    1 crown of broccoli

    3 medium-sized tomatoes

    2 ears of raw corn

    pepper to taste

    Throw all the herbs, garlic, vinegar, oil, lemon zest, and salt in a food processor and blend until it is all chopped up and looks like a sauce. Don’t fucking give up if you don’t own a food processor. Just chop up all that shit extra tiny and mix it together in a glass. Done.

    Cook the pasta according to the directions on the package. Simple shit. While the pasta cooks, cut up the broccoli into bite-sized pieces. You should get around 3-4 cups. In the last 2 minutes of boiling the pasta, throw the broccoli in there. No need to cook those sons of bitches separately. After 1-2 minutes drain the pot, then run cold water over all of it to cool that shit down and keep the broccoli looking bright green. The broccoli should be cooked but still a little crisp.

    Cut the raw corn off the cob and chop up the tomatoes into pieces about the size of a dime. Mix together the pasta, corn, tomatoes, and herb sauce in a big ass bowl. Add as much pepper as you like. Try that shit and see if you need more vinegar, salt, or oil. Your tastes are on you. You can serve this at room temperature but I like to chill the motherfucker in the fridge for a couple hours.

    Serves 4-6 people unless some greedy asshole camps out by the table

     

     

  2. WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T LOVE A GOOD SANDWICH?! Well this here is a damn fine sandwich that I guarantee your taste buds would high five you if they could. I mean I’m no scientist, maybe they can high five. What the fuck do I know? SANDWICHES. That’s what I fucking know.

    SUMMER TEMPEH SAMMIE

    8 ounces of tempeh

    1 teaspoon olive oil

    Marinade:

    ½ cup vegetable broth or water

    ¼ cup sherry vinegar (chill out, that shit isn’t expensive but you can use apple cider vinegar if you already have that at home)

    3 tablespoons tamari or soy sauce

    2 tablespoons of your favorite smoky hot sauce (something with chipotle pepper is fucking delicious)

    1 tablespoon lemon juice

    3 cloves of garlic

    a couple shakes of black pepper

    Cut of the garlic into small pieces. In a large glass mix together all the marinade ingredients. Cut the tempeh width-wise into about 1/3-1/2 inch pieces. You should end up with about 16 finger-sized pieces. Put the tempeh in a shallow container like a pie pan or some tupperware, I don’t know what kind of shit you have in your kitchen. Pour the marinade over and let the tempeh soak in that shit for about 30 minutes. It can marinate for up to an hour but if you let it go too long it can taste really fucking salty so keep your eye on the clock.

    Once the tempeh has marinated for long enough heat up the oil over a medium heat in a large skillet or wok. Keep the marinade. Lay the tempeh down in one layer and cook that shit until it starts to brown, about 4-6 minutes on each side. When it starts to look a little dry in there or the tempeh feels like it might be sticking just add a couple spoonfuls of the marinade. See, aren’t you fucking glad you didn’t throw that shit away?

    Once the tempeh is browned on both sides then you are ready to make a badass sandwich. I like mine with sundried tomato spread, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers (crunchy as a motherfucker) and fresh basil but you add whateverthefuck you have laying around. Fuck it, use a tortilla and make it a wrap.  

     

    Enough for 4 sandwiches

     

  3. Spread some of this goodness on your next sandwich. It’s fucking delicious. And it lets you double up on your protein sources and cut down on the fat. Shit, don’t limit yourself to just sammies. This is a choice dip so grab some carrots and cucumbers. Afternoon snack: FUCKING DONE.

    SUNDRIED TOMATO SPREAD

    ¼ cup of sundried tomatoes (don’t buy that shit that comes packed in oil. They are way more expensive. Find the kind that look like dried fruit. They will be near the olives or the canned tomatoes in the grocery store)

    1 cup warm water

    ¼ cup chopped white or yellow onion

    1 ½ cups or 1 15 ounce can of cannellini beans (any kind of white bean works, like navy or great northern beans. You just want a creamy kind of bean)

    1 clove of garlic

    2 tablespoons olive oil

    1 tablespoon lemon juice

    2 teaspoons red wine vinegar

    ½ teaspoon tamari or soy sauce

    ½ teaspoon dried basil

    ½ teaspoon dried oregano

     

    Put the sundried tomatoes in a small bowl and cover them with the warm water for 15 minutes.

     

    While the tomatoes soak, cook the onions in a small pan with a little bit of olive oil until they begin to look brown and smell awesome, like 5-8 minutes. Take the tomatoes out of the water and chop them up into pieces but save the water they were soaking in; no need to waste shit. Chop up the garlic into little pieces. Put the beans, sundried tomatoes, onions, and 2 tablespoons of the water from the tomatoes in a food processor and chop that shit up real small. Add the rest of the ingredients and blend it all together until it starts to look creamy. Add more of the soaking water if it looks a little dry. It’s cool if there are still some bigger tomato bits hanging around, just call that shit “rustic”. Add more spices if you think it needs it and serve that fucker up.

     

    This will last a week in the fridge if you are good at keeping delicious secrets from your roommates.

     

  4. Don’t give me that “I don’t eat breakfast” bullshit. It’s too early to be an asshole. The fiber in the oatmeal helps control your blood sugar and keeps you feeling full until lunch. The quinoa gives your morning a little extra protein because why the fuck not? Start your day right by owning the shit out of it. CARPE FUCKING DIEM.

    QUINOA OATMEAL

    1 cup steel cut oats (they aren’t all mushy like regular oatmeal)

    ½ cup quinoa (I used scarlet quinoa but you grab whatever you can find)

    1 teaspoon olive or coconut oil

    4 cups water

    ½ cup almond milk (or whatthefuckever milk you prefer)

     

    Heat up the water in a kettle on the stovetop or in the microwave until it is near boiling. Put the quinoa in a strainer and rinse that shit so it isn’t bitter after you cook it. Heat the oil in a saucepan over medium heat and add the steel cut oats. Stir them around and cook until they smell kinda toasty, like 1-2 minutes. Add the quinoa and the water and bring it all to a boil (this won’t take long because the water should already be hot as fuck). Turn down the heat on the pot and let it simmer. Go check your tumblr or Facebook shit while it cooks for about 20 minutes. It should taste done now, not hard but still a little chewy. Add the milk and turn off the heat. Serve with fresh fruit, nuts, maple syrup, brown sugar, whateverthefuck will get you through your day.

     

    Serves 4 (love to hit snooze? double the recipe and heat up the leftovers all week)

     

  5. Next time someone tells you to eat more veggies, get down on these tiny motherfuckers. These low fat, high fiber sons of bitches are healthy as shit without sacrificing flavor. Trying to eat better? START WITH A FUCKING BURGER.

    SMOKEY BEAN AND SPINACH SLIDERS

    2 cups chopped fresh spinach

    1 cup chopped onion

    3 cups cooked kidney beans or 2-15 ounce can

    1/2 cup cooked brown rice (use leftovers)

    4 cloves of garlic, chopped all small and shit

    1 tablespoon liquid smoke (like I said, it is near the BBQ sauce at the store I swear. You haven’t even looked yet so stop complaining. It is there)

    2 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari

    1 tablespoon smoked paprika

    2 teaspoons oregano

    1 ½ teaspoons ground cumin        

    black pepper to taste

    1/2 cup whole wheat breadcrumbs (any breadcrumbs you have are fine. Got nothing? Just toast up some bread until it is almost burnt looking and real dry then grate them shits or put them in a food processor to get some tiny fucking crumbs. They help soak up all the liquid so don’t leave this shit out)

     

    Warm the oven to 375 degrees and lightly grease a large baking sheet. You can throw down some foil and then grease it if you are a lazy fuck like me and hate doing dishes.

     

    Add the spinach and onion to a food processor and pulse until they are in tiny-ass pieces. Add the kidney beans, rice, garlic, liquid smoke, soy sauce, and seasonings and pulse until everything is all mixed up. It’s fine if a few larger pieces of the beans hang around but you want this looking like kinda paste-like. Place the bean-spinach mixture into a medium bowl and add in the fucking breadcrumbs. This should be slightly sticky and hold nicely when you form it into a ball. If it is too wet, add more breadcrumbs. Taste it and add more spices and whatever until it tastes good to you. Can’t do that shit with ground beef.

     

    No food processor? It’s all good. Just cut up the spinach and the onion extra tiny and add everything but breadcrumbs to a big bowl. Now pound on that shit until it looks like chunky mash potatoes. Then add the breadcrumbs and do all the other shit I say above.

     

    Divide the mixture into 16 patties if you are making sliders or 8 patties if you are making regular burgers. Whateverthefuck you want to do. Place them on the baking sheet, spray them lightly with oil (slow your roll, I said LIGHTLY) and bake for 15 minutes or until the bottom is a crispy golden brown. Flip the patties and bake for 15 or until both sides look awesome. If you are doing full size burgers you might need to let the sides go 5 extra minutes. Let them cool for a few minutes before serving. Pile them high with red onion, avocado, whatever additional deliciousness you’ve got and chow the fuck down.

     

    Makes 16 sliders or 8 regular patties

     

     

  6. You won’t be stressing this summer if you’re sipping on this tasty glass of general badassery. The antioxidant loaded in theses blackberries will make sure free radicals aren’t fucking up your day. And the bourbon? YOU EARNED THAT SHIT.

    BLACKBERRY BOURBON FIZZ

    5 blackberries

    5 ice cubes

    1 shot of bourbon

    ¾ cup cold ginger ale (none of that high fructose corn syrup, aspartame nonsense either. Get good shit that has fucking ginger root as an ingredient)

    ¼ cup cold club soda  (optional)

    Put the blackberries in the bottom of a tall glass and mash them around with a spoon. Keep some big chunks because it looks cool. Add the ice and then the bourbon, ginger ale, and club soda. I like adding club soda because it keeps it tasting refreshing as fuck but you can save some cash and just add more ginger ale. Garnish with fresh basil if you are trying to impress somebody.

    Serves 1 but invite a fucking friend, no need to drink alone

    We made this for our friend Dara over at Cosmo.com