1. If you’ve gone all summer without drinking a single slushie, take the rest of the day off and whip up this refreshing motherfucker right here. The watermelon and cucumber in this shit help soothe inflammation and the mint will keep your breath on point. FUCK IT. Splash some vodka in there if you want to take tomorrow off too.


    WATERMELON CUCUMBER SLUSHIE

    3 pounds of watermelon (seedless is best but some seeds are cool)

    ½ cup skinned, chopped cucumber

    juice from 1 lime (about 2 tablespoons)

    8-10 fresh mint leaves

    ¾ cup coconut or tap water

    1 teaspoon agave, maple syrup, or honey (optional)

    Cut away the rind and chop up the watermelon flesh into pieces no larger than a quarter. You should get about 4 cups. Don’t stress about some seeds, they will get chopped the fuck up in the blender. Just get rid of any big ones you notice. Freeze the chopped watermelon for at least 4 hours or overnight. The watermelon is going to create the slush factor so you want to make sure that shit really fucking frozen.

    When the watermelon chunks are frozen add them along with the cucumber, lime juice, mint leaves, and water to a blender and blend until it is all smooth and icy. If you picked out a shitty watermelon you might need to add a teaspoon of a sweetener to make up for the weak melon. Taste it, you’ll know. Trust.

    Had a rough day? Replace up to a ½ cup of the water with vodka and get the fuck over it.

    Makes about 2 ½ cups of sweet summer slush, enough for 2 people who need to chill the fuck out. Watermelon chunks will stay good in the freezer for at least a month no problem.

     

  2. Summertime is the best time for fruit but don’t limit that shit to only dessert. Grill up whateverthefuck looks good and throw it in a salad or on some grains. I tossed peaches in with some soy sauce and noodles because I just don’t give a fuck. That shit was delicious and I had leftovers for days. FUCK SHARING.

    GRILLED CHINESE FIVE SPICE PEACHES WITH COLD NOODLES

    12 ounces of dried thin noodles (You can use whatever you can find: Chinese egg noodles, spaghetti, or even udon)

    ¼ cup water

    2 tablespoons lemon juice

    2 tablespoons rice vinegar

    1 ½ tablespoons soy sauce or tamari

    1 ½ tablespoons toasted sesame oil

    1 inch piece of fresh ginger (scrap the skin off with a spoon)


    FOR THE PEACHES:

    2 fist sized peaches, ripe but not super soft

    1 tablespoon neutral tasting oil (I used grape seed)

    1 tablespoon lemon juice

    2 teaspoons Chinese Five Spice powder (Most grocery stores carry this shit. If you can’t find it or too fucking busy to look, just substitute with a little bit cinnamon and pepper on the peaches. It ain’t the same but it will do)

    a pinch of salt

    ½ - ¾ cup chopped watercress (If your store doesn’t have it, don’t fucking waste your time running around town. Just grab arugula, spinach, or even green onions would work)

    I don’t know what the fuck noodles you chose, so just cook that shit according the package directions. While that’s going, chop up the ginger into really small pieces so that you end up with 2 ½ tablespoons. Add the water, lemon juice, vinegar, soy sauce, sesame oil, and ginger to a small glass and mix that shit up. When the noodles are done cooking, drain them and rinse with cold water.

    Chop up the peaches into slices no bigger than an inch. You can leave the skin on because everybody needs more fiber in their fucking diet. I got about 12 slices out of each of my peaches. In a large bowl, mix together the oil, lemon juice, Chinese Five Spice powder, and salt. Throw the sliced peaches in there and make sure they get covered in that spice blend shit.

    Bring your grill to a medium-high heat and spray it with a little oil so the peaches don’t stick. Place the peaches on there for 45 seconds or so on each side. You don’t need to cook them, you just want some char marks on there because that looks pro. Grilling them also caramelizes the natural sugars in those motherfuckers making them slightly sweeter. Toss the noodles with the sauce you already made and add the watercress. Pile the grilled peaches on top and serve.

    Serves 4-6 or 1 with some enviable leftovers

    We made this dish for our friends over at Frank151

     

  3. THE THUG KITCHEN COOKBOOK IS OFFICIALLY FUCKING HAPPENING. There will be a shitload of new recipes and photos that we’re cooking up just for the book. Rodale will be handling the U.S. publishing and House of Anansi is covering Canada. Right now we’re talking to the UK, so trust that the book will be across the goddamn globe.

    FALL 2014 - EXPECT THAT SHIT

     

  4. I know you need caffeine sometimes but don’t even fucking think about reaching for a RedBull or 5-Hour Energy. I will slap that shit out of your hand so quick you won’t know whatthefuck happened. Energy drinks are toxic and fucking expensive. Money doesn’t grow on trees; coffee does. Don’t waste your time in a fucking line and spend your hard earned cash on something you can make while you’re sleeping. Cold brewed coffee is also way less acidic, making this easier on your stomach. SO GRAB A CUP OF THIS SIMPLE SHIT AND SEIZE THE GODDAMN DAY.

    COLD BREWED COFFEE

    ¾ cup ground coffee (whatever you got is fine)

    3 ½ cups cold water

    Put the coffee grounds in the bottom of a large container. If you like coffee with some fucking bite, add another ¼ cup of grounds. Slowly pour the water over the grounds and stir. Make sure all the grounds get wet because sometimes there are weird dry pockets and then you’re just wasting fucking coffee. Let this sit in the fridge (or on your counter if its not too fucking hot in your place) overnight or for at least 10 hours. In the morning, strain that shit using a mesh strainer. You know, the ones that look like a screen door. If you have the time, strain one more time through a paper coffee filter to get out the last of the grounds (or don’t and just deal with a couple rogue grounds in your drink). Serve over ice and with some almond milk if that’s your thing.

    Makes about 3 ½ cups of coffee (triple this recipe and keep the extra in the fridge all week)

     

  5. Clear room on the grill for these stuffed sons of bitches. They pack a lot more flavor and nutrition than some lazy, played-out veggie kebabs. And no, you don’t eat the stem; you throw it at whoeverthefuck brought veggie kebabs.


    BASMATI STUFFED GRILLED PEPPERS

    FOR THE FILLING:

    1 ½ cups brown basmati or other long grain brown rice

    1 large tomato

    1 large carrot

    1 zucchini

    ½ large onion, yellow or white

    1 tablespoon of olive oil

    2 ¼ teaspoons dried oregano

    1 teaspoon dried thyme

    1 teaspoon smoked paprika (if the store doesn’t have this then just leave it out. It’s not a fucking deal breaker)

    2 cups water

    1 tablespoon sherry vinegar (red wine vinegar would work too)

    3-4 cloves of garlic

    Juice of 1 lemon

    Salt and pepper to taste

     

    FOR THE BEANS:

    1 ½ cups white beans or 1- 15 ounce can (You can use navy, cannellini, whatever kind of creamy bean you got)

    2 tablespoons of chopped onion

    2 tablespoons sherry vinegar (or whatever vinegar you’ve already used)

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    ¼ teaspoon oregano dried

     

    4 large bell peppers

    Fresh basil (optional)

     

    Put the rice in a strainer and rinse that shit. Throw the tomato in a food processor and puree it into juice. You should get about a cup. You could also just use tomato juice here if you have that at your place already. Chop up the onion, carrot, and zucchini into pieces about the size of a dime. Take 2 tablespoons of the chopped onion and put it aside. You will use that shit in a minute. In a big pot heat the olive oil up over a medium heat. Add the big portion of onion and let it cook until it starts brown, like 5 minutes. Add the carrot, zucchini, oregano, thyme, and paprika. Cook for about 1 minute. Add the rice, pureed tomato, and water. Throw in a pinch of salt and bring it all to a boil. Once it is boiling, cover the pot, and reduce the heat to low so that shit simmers. Let it go for like 30-40 minutes or until the water is absorbed and the rice is cooked all the way.

    While the rice cooks throw the beans, 2 tablespoons of onion from earlier, olive oil, vinegar, and oregano in the dirty food processor and run it until everything looks smooth. It’s cool if there still are some tomato bits in there. Add a little pepper and stir that shit in. When the rice is done, add the garlic, sherry vinegar, and lemon juice to it. Cover and let that sit for a goddamn minute. Taste the rice and add salt, pepper, or more seasoning until that shit tastes good enough to meet your standards.

    Chop the bell peppers in half lengthwise and scrape out all the seeds. They aren’t hot and taste bitter so throw them the fuck away. Add a couple spoonfuls of the bean mixture inside each pepper and spread that shit around. Add spoonfuls of the rice until it is all nice and packed in. I got about half a cup of rice in each one of mine.

    Heat up your grill to a medium-low heat. Spray it down with a little oil so that the peppers don’t stick. Spray the tops of each pepper lightly with oil too so those fuckers don’t dry out. Grill the stuffed peppers for about 10-12 minutes. You want the peppers to start to soften and get some good looking grill marks on them. Top with fresh basil and serve warm.

    Makes 8 stuffed peppers

     

  6. BUFFALO HAVE BALLS NOT WINGS, so you know this meal is legit. These spicy sons of bitches are high in heat but low in fat because they’re baked not fried. So grab a cold drink and a fist full of celery, YOU’RE GOING TO FUCKING NEED ‘EM.

     

    BUFFALO FALAFEL

    FALAFEL: 

    1 ½ cups cooked chickpeas or 1- 15 ounce can, rinsed

    1/3 pound of cauliflower

    ¼ cup diced onion (yellow, white, red, whatever)

    1-2 cloves of garlic

    1 teaspoon olive oil

    ½ teaspoon all-purpose seasoning blend (The no-salt blends are best because you can add that salt shit later in small amounts)

    2 tablespoons breadcrumbs

    BUFFALO SAUCE:

    2 tablespoons olive oil

    2 tablespoons flour (Whole-wheat flour works here so does brown rice flour. Use whatever)

    1 cup cayenne based hot sauce

    ¼ cup water

    1 tablespoon vinegar (Apple cider vinegar is my favorite here but white vinegar would work too. Use what you got)

    For the falafel: Heat the oven to 400 degrees. Lightly spray some oil on a baking sheet. Chopped the cauliflower up into small pieces. Throw it in a food processor and run that shit until the pieces of cauliflower kind of look like rice. If you don’t have a food processor then just chop that shit up as small as you can. Mash the fuck out of the chickpeas in a medium bowl until they form a paste. Chop the garlic up into small pieces. Add the cauliflower, onion, garlic, oil, seasoning blend, and breadcrumbs to the chickpeas and mix that shit up. If your seasoning blend didn’t have salt in it, now you can add a pinch of salt to that motherfucker. The mixture should easily form into balls. If it is too fucking dry, add a little water. No stress. Form the mixture into balls a little bigger than a ping pong ball. Throw the balls on the baking sheet and bake them for 20-25 minutes, flipping them sons of bitches half way through. Remember to set a timer so that you don’t burn the shit out of them. Both sides should be nice and golden. While the falafel bake, make the buffalo sauce.

    For the buffalo sauce: In a small saucepan, heat the oil over a medium-low heat. Add the flour and stir constantly until the flour starts to look golden and smell kinda toasted. A few bubbles are cool but this shouldn’t look like it’s boiling. This shit takes about 4 minutes if you got your heat right. Add half the hot sauce and stir until it is all mixed. The flour should make that shit thicken up a bit. Add the rest of the hot sauce, water, and vinegar and stir until it is all mixed up. Turn off the heat.

    When the falafel are done cooking, push them gently to the center of the baking sheet and put ¾ of the buffalo sauce on them. Bake that shit for like 5 extra minutes so that the falafel absorbs that sauce. Pour the extra sauce over them when they get out of the oven or whenever you eat them.

    You can serve these spicy bastards in pita bread, on top of a salad, or howeverthefuck you want. I recommend some celery sticks to cool your ass down. Or fuck it. Go hard. Breathe fire. Frighten the villagers.

    Makes about 12 falafel