1. I’M SO TIRED OF MOTHER FUCKERS asking “Where do you get your protein?” All you simple minded bastards better read up some. I eat shit like whole grains, beans, nuts, lentils, tempeh… I mean hell, where the fuck are YOU getting your protein? Black beans are one of my favorite protein sources for sure. The insoluble fiber these are packing keeps the body feeling full while holding calories down low. But hold up, this shit also has soluble fiber to regulate the fuck out of your glucose levels. So eat more black beans and sign some fucking autographs.

    Black Bean and Cilantro Pesto Wrap

    1 large bunch of cilantro, chopped, about 2 cups

    2/3 cup slivered almonds

    2-3 cloves of garlic, chopped

    1 tablespoon lemon juice

    ½ teaspoon salt

    ½ teaspoon lemon zest (just grate the skin of the lemon on the smallest side of your grater, calm the fuck down)

    ¼ cup olive oil

    ¼ cup vegetable broth or water

    Put all the ingredients for the pesto in a food processor and blend until sorta smooth. No food processor? Before I had one I’d just put the almonds in a bag and smash them until they are tiny and chop the rest of that shit up super small too. Mix all of it together with a fork until it looks like a paste.

    This recipe makes about 1 cup of goddamn delicious pesto. I like about ¼ cup of it for every 1 ½ cups of beans. For the lazy bastards, one 15-ounce can of black beans is about 1 ½ cups. Just mix the beans together with the pesto and wrap that shit up with whatever vegetables you have like: cucumbers, tomatoes, red onion, lettuce, avocado, corn, you get the fucking idea. Add salsa or lime juice if you want. I don’t give a fuck.

     

  2. THERE’S SO MUCH GOD DAMN SPINACH in this shit even Popeye can’t hate. Yeah spinach makes you swoll as fuck, we know that. But did you know just one cup of spinach is over 300% of your daily recommended Vitamin A? Sweet fuck. You worried about acne? Wrinkles? Any other skin shit? Spinach to the mother fucking rescue. That shit keeps your skin looking so fresh and so clean, not to mention helping to prevent skin cancer. Spinach has these plant-based compounds called “flavonoids” that not only repair damaged skin but also fight multiple types of cancer. Everybody knows I ain’t even fucking playing when it comes to dick cancer, I gotta have my shit in tact.

    IF YOU SMOKE cigarettes (tumblr crew I’m looking at you), DO NOT take any Vitamin A or beta carotene supplements. Studies have shown that combining those supplements with tobacco drastically increases your risk for lung cancer. But then again, smoking drastically increases your risk for lung cancer. So quit that shit.

    You want to make this shit at home and tell Jamba Juice they can go fuck themselves by not paying for their high calorie sugary shit? Recipe below for a Thug Kitchen Original:

    SPINACH COOLER
    Ectoplasm free and Dr. Venkman approved

    • 2 handfuls of spinach (about 2 cups)
    • 2 frozen bananas
    • 1 cup chopped and skinned cucumber
    • 4 medium chunks of pineapple
    • 1 cup coconut water or tap
    • 1/4 cup orange juice
    • 1 tablespoon flax oil (optional)
    • 6-8 mint leaves (optional, but I dig that shit)
    • yields ~20 ounces

    Toss that shit in a blender and zap it. If you prefer it a little sweeter, add some more pineapple to that shit. DRINK UP, CHAMP.

    Seriously though, fuck Jamba Juice. Only they could make smoothies as unhealthy as McDonald’s made oatmeal.

     

  3. No lie, it’s been a while since a thug has been in the kitchen. So I log into the tumblrverse today to check my shit, maybe dust off the dash and get some new content out. Son, I’ve got a TON of fucking messages (I’m going to try to reply to them all, I promise) and I’m seeing my shit posted all over the god damn place.

    I’m glad all you healthy/sexy mother fuckers kept the kitchen warm while I was away. I’m officially back and stepping up my game. Seriously, all the love I’ve got from my followers makes me want to post the best content I can for you. Thug Kitchen undergoing reconstruction as of right now. I’m so fucking heated right now. Shit.

    (Source: scintillatingjelly, via elenayogini)

     

  4. Alright, so you want something sweet, refreshing, and isn’t made by coca-cola? Son, agua fresca is the fucking JAM. Look, all the shit you need is:

    6 cups of fruit (I used cantaloupe, but you can use strawberries, pineapple, watermelon, etc)
    1 cup of ice
    3 cups of water
    3 tablespoons of lime juice
    3 tablespoons of agave or cane sugar
    pinch of salt

    Toss all that shit in a blender and zap it. Fucking done. Some people strain the blended fruit for pulp, which makes the consistency a bit more watery. Not me, I like some pulp in that shit. Every sip reminds me what I’m drinking isn’t gasoline.  

    Natural sugar is way better for you than that garbage they put in soda.  No bitch, I don’t “wanta Fanta” go get the fuck on. Shit.

     

  5. THE.FUCK.IS.THIS.SHIT.

    Frozen vegetables = vegan meal?

    Seeing this shit made me so mad that I came home and made acorn squash empanadas from scratch, and guess who ain’t gettin none?

    Fuck you too, Whole Foods.

     

  6. FUCK PUTTING A TEALIGHT IN A PUMPKIN. I’M BATMAN, BITCH. Want a bomb ass jack-o-lantern like this shit?

    • Get yourself a fucking pumpkin. The bigger, the better.
    • Carve it up any way you goddamn well please. If you want, set aside the pumpkin seeds to roast them later. They’re tasty as hell and makes your house smell like a fucking Yankee Candle. Just make sure when you carve the lid that the opening is large enough to fit a roll of toilet paper.
    • When you’re done carving your shit, soak an entire roll of toilet paper in kerosene (or lighter fluid). I recommend placing the roll of TP in a bucket outside in the shade with plenty of ventilation (remember, this shit is combustible). Pour about  1½ - 2 cups of kerosene over the TP. Any excess fluid that pools at the bottom will absorb within ten minutes or so.

    • When the sun goes down, place the soaked TP roll inside the pumpkin and torch that fucker. The TP will burn slow and flames can get up to 4 feet high. Leave the lid off the pumpkin for fuck’s sake. 

    DON’T BE A FUCKING DUMBASS. If you’re stupid enough to try this shit without taking proper safety precautions, then I hope you catch fire too. Some safety tips:

    • Before you light the pumpkin, hose the surrounding area with water.
    • Once lit, keep a safe distance of 10 feet or so. BACK THE FUCK UP, it’s not a campfire. 
    • When everyone is done instagramming this shit and you’re ready to extinguish the fire, use sand or dirt. You can keep a hose or bucket of water nearby but spraying a flaming pumpkin with water could splash kerosene out of the pumpkin and then you got some serious fucking problems that involve your local fire department.
    • Remember, a safe thug is a happy thug.