TO SPREAD HOLIDAY CHEER 

WE'RE GIVING AWAY 

SHARP KNIVES TO STRANGERS

 

Listen, that knife in your kitchen is a real piece of shit. We know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Lucky for you, your homies here at Thug Kitchen are gifting away 12 BRAND NEW SHUN 8-IN CLASSIC CHEF'S KNIVES.

You're goddamn right TWELVE of those bad boys. And no this isn't sponsored, Shun don't know who we are and they probably wouldn't give a shit. WE WOULDN'T BLAME THEM. We personally use these knives in our kitchen and we think they're such a dope product that we wanna share the love with y'all. 

Every day between Dec 13th-24th we'll be posting our favorite holiday recipes with the hashtag #TwelvedaysofTK. Cook ANY of our holiday recipes and share on social media with #TwelvedaysofTK and BOOM you're on the list, kid. 

WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED JAN 1ST. We originally planned to announce 12 lucky winners on Christmas Day BUT since so many of y'all asked, we've extended the deadline to New Year's. So January 1st we'll announce twelve randomly selected winners who will get a knife they'll use the rest of their goddamn lives. If you're selected, we'll reach out to you directly for details like your mailing address, so please don't just post ya personal shit on the internet. 

  • Where can I find your cookbooks? All three Thug Kitchen books are available at Target, Walmart, Amazon and Barnes & Noble, but available pretty much everywhere books are sold
  • How do you pick the winners? Shits random, your social media handle is put into a hat and tiny elves pick out names. 
  • I'm not much of a photographer, does it have to be a good photo? No, we don't give a damn if you take an amazing photo or if it's a selfie with the food in the background. Just try your best. Reminder that contest winners will be selected at random but we do need a photo to match with your name before you can be entered. 
  • I live outside the U.S. but can I still participate? Fuck yeah, the more the merrier. Anyone from anywhere can participate. 

 

DAY 1 - ROSEMARY CARAMEL CORN

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 2: Party Grub 

popcorn_small.jpg

 Snack for 6-8 people

  • 8 cups unseasoned popped popcorn*
  • 1/4 cup refined coconut oil
  • 1 tablespoon loosely packed chopped fresh rosemary
  • 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  1. Warm up your oven to 250°F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper. 
  2. Pour the popcorn in one big bowl with tall sides or two medium bowls so that you don't spill it later while you're trying to mix that shit. 
  3. In a small saucepan, melt the coconut oil over medium heat. When it's totally clear, add the rosemary and stir around for about 30 seconds. Add the brown sugar, maple syrup, and salt then simmer all that shit for 2-3 minutes, stirring constantly so nothing burns. You want the sugar crystals to dissolve and a nice constant roll of bubbles through the whole sauce. 
  4. Stir in the baking soda and remove from the heat. It will kinda bubble up and turn less see-thru. Don't worry. Mix it up well and pour it over the popcorn. Stir and keep stirring until all that shit is lightly coated in that kick ass caramel. Don't taste it yet because you'll just burn the shit outta your tongue if you try. 
  5. Pour the popcorn on the lined baking sheet in an even layer. Turn off the heat for the oven and then throw the baking sheet in. Leave it in there for 15 minutes to harden up and then serve. Store in an airtight container or bag, don't plan on leftovers if you've got a full house. 

*You can find this at any grocery store's snack aisle near the pretzels and chips. Or if you already got some kernels, pop that shit fresh on your stovetop and save some cash. 

 

 

DAY 2 - BISCUITS & GRAVY

recipe from THUG KITCHEN: Eat Like You Give a Fuck 

biscuits_gravy_small.jpg

Makes roughly 3 cups of gravy

  • 1 ½ cups veggie broth
  • 1 tablespoon flour
  • ½ a small onion, chopped
  • 1 teaspoon olive oil
  • 1 teaspoon dried thyme
  • 1 teaspoon tamari
  • 2 cloves of garlic
  • 1/8 teaspoon ground pepper
  • 2 cups cooked green or brown lentils
  • 1 teaspoon paprika
  • ½ teaspoon sherry vinegar
  1. Mix the flour into the broth and set it aside.
  2. Sauté the onion in the olive oil over a medium heat until golden around the edges, about 3 minutes. Add the thyme, garlic, and pepper and cook for another 30 seconds. Add the lentils, tamari, paprika, sherry vinegar, and broth mixture to the pot and turn off the heat. Grab an immersion blender and blend until smooth or throw it all in a regular blender and go to town. Heat it all back up on the stove in that pot again and let it simmer to thicken, about 2-3 minutes.
  3. Serve over biscuits with a side of breakfast greens.

 

Makes bout 8 biscuits

  • 1 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour*
  • 1 cup white flour**
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 2 teaspoons sugar
  • 4 tablespoons coconut oil***
  • 1 cup milk 
  • 1/2 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
  1. Warm up your oven to 425 and line a baking sheet with some parchment. Mix together the milk and vinegar in a small glass and set it out of the way for a minute. 
  2. Sift the flours, salt, baking powder, and sugar together in a medium bowl. Crumble the oil into the flour using your fingers and break up and pieces bigger than a pea. It should look kinda like coarse sand from a shitty playground in the 80s minus the broken glass. Make a well in the center and pour in the milk mixture. Stir until a shaggy dough is formed but be careful not to over mix because then you will have some tough biscuits. If it is too dry to stick together, add a tablespoon or two of milk. 
  3. Turn the dough out on a floured surface and pat it into a roughly 8 by 5 inch rectangle about 1 ½ inches thick. Using a glass or biscuit cutter cut out all the motherfucking biscuits you can. You should end up with about 8. Bake them for about 15-18 minutes or until the bottoms are golden. Let them cool for a minute before digging in or go ahead and start the day by burning the shit out of your taste buds. No fucks will be given here. 

* Whole-wheat pastry flour is really similar to all-purpose flour in texture and taste but contains all the good bran and germ stuff like you find in whole-wheat flour. Basically, it is the shit.

** Yeah yeah yeah... but in the quest for a fluffy biscuit THIS HAD TO BE DONE.

*** This needs to be all white and thick like butter. If it is all runny because it is hot outside, this wont fucking work. Stick it in the fridge until it gets it’s act together.

 

DAY 3 - SKILLET BEER CHILI MAC

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 101: Fast as Fuck 

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 Serves 4-6 people

  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 1 yellow onion, chopped
  • 1 carrot, chopped
  • 1 bell pepper, chopped
  • 1 jalapeno, deseeded and minced
  • 2 tablespoons mild chili powder
  • 2 teaspoons cumin
  • 2 teaspoons smoked paprika
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 2 tablespoons tomato paste
  • 15 ounce can tomato sauce
  • 1 cup of beer
  • 3 cups of broth or water
  • 3 cups of dry macaroni or other small pasta
  • 3 cups cooked mixed beans, like pinto and black bean
  • ¼ cup nooch
  • 1 tablespoon maple syrup
  • 1 tablespoon lime juice
  1. In a big, deep skillet or a large soup pot heat up the oil over a medium heat.  Add the onion and cook until onion is soft and starting to get golden, about 5 minutes.
  2. Add the carrot, bell pepper and jalapeno and cook for another 2 minutes. Fold in the chili powder, cumin, smoked paprika, salt, and tomato paste and cook for 1 minute while stirring so that spices get to warm the fuck up.
  3. Add the tomato sauce, beer, and broth and bring that shit to a simmer. Stir in the pasta and cover.  Cook the mixture, stirring occasionally until the pasta is tender, about 9-12 minutes. When the pasta is tasting right, turn off the heat and stir in the nooch, maple syrup, and lime juice.
  4. Taste and adjust how you see fit then serve that shit right up topped with avocado, jalapenos, cilantro, red onion, whatever toppings you feel like. YOU DO YOU.

 

DAY 4 - POTATO LEEK CAKES

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 2: Party Grub

potato_leek_cakes_small.jpg

Makes about 24 cakes, enough for 6-8 people

  • 2 ½ cups grated potatoes (about 1 pound)
  • 1 cup leek strips, about 1 leek
  • 1 cup mashed navy beans*
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 2 tablespoons nooch
  • 2 tablespoon olive oil
  • ½ teaspoon salt

Dipping sauce:

  • ½ cup broth
  • ½ cup milk
  • ½ cup navy beans*
  • ¼ cup flour
  • 1 clove of garlic, minced
  • ½ teaspoon Dijon mustard
  • 2 tablespoons nooch
  • 1 tablespoon lemon juice
  • 1 teaspoon soy sauce or tamari
  • 2 tablespoons fresh dill or chives
  1. Warm your oven up to 400 degrees and grab a rimmed baking sheet. 
  2. Cut up all your veggies and then mash the fuck outta the beans in a large bowl. Add the garlic, nooch, olive oil, and salt and mix all the shit around until you can kinda form little patties. 
  3. Grab that potato mess and make thin patties about the size of lemon and then flatten that shit out a little more as you place it on the baking sheet. Spray all of 'em with a little oil and bake for 30 minutes, flipping half way, until those fuckers look golden and delicious. While they’re crisping up in the oven, your multitasking ass has time to make the sauce. 
  4. To make the sauce: throw the broth, milk, beans, flour, garlic, mustard, nooch, lemon juice, and soy sauce in a blender and run that shit until the beans have gone and disappeared. Pour that mixture into a small saucepan over a medium heat. Bring it to a gentle simmer, like a couple bubbles, for about 3-5 minutes or until the sauce starts thickening up. You want it to look like you could actually dip something in it, so get it THAT thick. Turn off the heat and add the chives or dill. Taste and add more garlic or whatever you’re feeling at that moment. 

* These two measurements combined equal one 15-ounce can so yeah, we got your lazy ass covered.

 

DAY 5 - SNICKERDOODLES

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 101: Fast as Fuck 

snickerdoodle_small1.jpg

Makes about 24 cookies, depending on big you make them bitches

  • ½ cup olive oil
  • ¼ cup coconut oil
  • 1 cup cane sugar*
  • 1/3 cup almond milk
  • 2 cups whole wheat pastry or all-purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoons cream of tartar**
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 2 tablespoons cane sugar
  • 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
  1. Warm up the oven to 400 degrees and set out a baking sheet.
  2. Add the olive oil, coconut oil, cane sugar, and almond milk to a food processor and run that motherfucker until everything is all creamed up together. Add the flour, cream of tartar, baking soda, and salt then pulse until the dough comes together. If your dough still looks a little dry, just add more almond milk 1 tablespoon at a time until that fucker starts acting right.
  3. On a small plate mix together the remaining cane sugar and cinnamon and set aside. Dump the dough out on the counter and start making balls about the size of a golf ball.  Roll them around in the cinnamon mixture and then put them on the baking sheet. Gently press them down a little with a fork so that they look artisan and shit then bake them for 8-10 minutes or until the bottoms look all golden. Let them cool for at least 5 minutes before you dive in.

* This might seem like a fuckton of sugar but it’s half of what you’d find in a traditional recipe. So chill. 

** It’s an acidic powder that’s a byproduct of winemaking. It’s an old school ingredient you’ll find with the spices or next to the baking shit at the store. It gives the cookies their classic taste so DO NOT skip it.

 

DAY 6 - MINESTRONE

recipe from THUG KITCHEN: Eat Like You Give a Fuck  

minestrone_small1.jpg

Enough for 6 servings

  • 2 teaspoons olive oil
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 2 carrots, chopped into half moons
  • 3 ribs of celery
  • 1 large potato or turnip, chopped into dice-sized pieces
  • 1 tablespoon minced fresh rosemary
  • 3 cloves of garlic
  • ½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
  • 1 15 ounce can diced tomatoes*
  • ½ cup dried black lentils
  • 8 cups vegetable broth
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 1 ½ cups cooked kidney beans
  • 1 cup small, uncooked pasta like shells or stars or whatever
  • 5 cups of chopped ribbons of a hearty green like kale or green cabbage
  • 1 teaspoon red wine vinegar
  • juice of half a lemon
  • 1/3 cup chopped parsley
  • ¼ cup mined basil
  1. Grab a large stockpot and heat the oil up over a medium heat. Add the onions, carrots, and celery and sauté until the onion starts to look golden brow, about 3-5 minutes. Add the potato, rosemary, garlic, and red pepper flakes. Saute for another 30 seconds to get the garlic going. Add the diced tomatoes and lentils and give it another 30 seconds. 
  2. Now, pour in all the broth and let that fucker come to a simmer. Lower the heat and let that go at a gentle pace until the lentils are almost cooked but the potato is tender, about 20 minutes. Next, add the salt, pasta and kidney beans and keep the pot gently simmering until the pasta is cooked all the way, about 12 minutes depending on your pasta shape and shit like that. If you are using green cabbage, add it with the pasta. If you are using kale fold it into the pot after the pasta is all cooked and let that pot simmer for 2 more minutes.
  3. Add the vinegar and lemon juice, stir well, and turn off the heat. Fold in the parsley and basil and let the pot sit for a minute or two. Taste and see what the fuck you need to throw in to warm up. Serve right away with some crusty bread.

* If tomatoes are in season and for some fucking reason while you're making this soup, then sub in 3 fist sized tomatoes, chopped.

 

 

DAY 7 - WINE CAKE

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 101: Fast as Fuck 

wine_cake_small.jpg

Makes about 1 cake, so like... 8-10 people or 1 gluttonous motherfucker 

 

  • 1 cup can sugar
  • ¼ cup olive oil
  • 1 14 oz can coconut milk
  • ¾ cup dry white wine
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 3 ½ cups whole wheat pastry or all-purpose flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 ½ teaspoons cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon nutmeg
  • ½ teaspoon salt

 

Sweet Sugar Glaze

  • 1 ¼ cups powdered sugar
  • ¼ cup whatever wine you used for the cake
  • 2 teaspoons lemon juice
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

 

  1. Warm up the oven 350 and grease and flour a Bundt pan.
  2. In a large bowl whisk together the sugar, oil, milk, wine, and vanilla extract. In a medium bowl whisk together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt. Gently stir the dry mixture into the wet then mix that shit up until there aren’t anymore huge dry spots. Don’t over mix this though, just chill. Pour the batter into your prepared pan and bake for 35-45 minutes or until a toothpick stuck into it comes out clean. Let it cool in the pan for 10 minutes then stick a plate under that motherfucker and flip it over to get it out of the pan.
  3. Once the cake has cooled you can add the glaze. Feeling lazy? Skip this step and just dust it with some powdered sugar and serve it with fruit or whip cream. DONE. Wanna glaze it? Whisk together the powdered sugar, wine, lemon juice, and vanilla extract until there aren’t any clumps. Drizzle over the cooled cake and sliced that sweet son of a bitch up.

 

 

DAY 8 - BAKED ZITI

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 2: Party Grub 

small_baked_ziti2.jpg

Serves 6-8 people, sweatpants optional 

  • 1 pound cooked pasta*
  • 3 cups marinara
  • 1 14 ounce can of water packed artichoke hearts, drained and rinsed
  • 12 ounces firm silken tofu, drained
  • ¼ cup sliced almonds
  • 3 tablespoons nutritional yeast**
  • 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 2 teaspoons olive oil
  • ½ a yellow onion, chopped
  • 4 cups chopped spinach
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • squeeze of lemon juice
  • pinch of salt
  • ¼ cup chopped, fresh basil

TOASTED BREADCRUMB TOPPING

  • 3 tablespoons breadcrumbs
  • 1 tablespoon nooch
  • ¼ teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  1. Warm up your oven to 350 degree and keep your 8x10-inch baking dish handy.
  2. In a blender or food processor add the artichoke hearts, tofu, almonds, nooch, lemon juice, garlic, and salt and run until there aren’t any big chunks. You have a shitty blender that was just never the same after that one party? Just add a tablespoon of water to help get that shit going as you bang on the side. #beenthere
  3. In a medium sauté pan heat the oil up over a medium heat. You could also use the pan you cooked the pasta in if that is still laying around. Add the onion and sauté until it starts to look kinda see-thru, about 3 minutes. Add the spinach, garlic, lemon juice, and salt and sauté until the spinach has wilted and given up that leaf life, about 3 minutes. Turn off the heat.
  4. In a big bowl, mix together the cooked pasta, the spinach and onions, the tofu artichoke mixture, and the basil until there aren’t any big globs in there.
  5. Grab the baking dish and cover the bottom with 1 cup of the marinara. Pour in the pasta mixture in an even layer, and the pour the rest of the marinara over the top and kinda smear it around with the back of a spoon so that all the pasta gets coated.
  6. In a small bowl, mix together the breadcrumbs, nooch, and garlic powder. Heat up the oil in a small sauté pan over a medium heat. Add the breadcrumb mixture and sauté until everything is coated in oil and it smells kinda toasty, about 3 minutes.
  7. Sprinkle the breadcrumbs over the top of the pasta, cover it with foil, and stick it in the oven for 25 minutes. After 25 minutes, take off the foil, and bake it for 10 minutes longer, uncovered. Let that shit cool for a couple of minutes before serving.

* You know, like ziti or some other tube-shaped shit.

** Check the bulk section are you local grocery store or you can get nutritional yeast on Amazon  

 

 

DAY 9 - SWEET POTATO AND BLACK BEAN ENCHILADAS

recipe from THUG KITCHEN: Eat Like You Give a Fuck 

enchiladas_small.jpg

 Makes 8 enchiladas, enough for 4 people

ENCHILADA SAUCE

  • 2 ¼ cups vegetable broth
  • 1/3 cup tomato paste
  • 2 ½ tablespoons chili powder
  • 2 teaspoons ground cumin
  • 1 ½ teaspoons dried oregano
  • 2-3 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 2 teaspoons soy sauce or tamari
  • 1 tablespoon lime juice
  1. Dump everything but the lime juice into a medium sauce and bring to a simmer. Use a whisk or something and make sure that the tomato paste isn’t just sitting in a fucking clump. Let that simmer together for about 10-15 minutes so that they sauce has time to thicken up a little. Add the lime juice and turn off the heat. Let that shit cool while you make the filling.

ENCHILADA FILLING

  • 1 large sweet potato, about 1 pound, chopped into nickel-sized pieces*
  • 2 teaspoons olive oil
  • ½ an yellow onion, chopped
  • 1 medium yellow squash, grated on your box grater, about 1 cup
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • ½ teaspoon ground cumin
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1 ½ cups cooked black beans
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon maple syrup or agave
  • a pack of tortillas
  1. Grab a medium saucepan, and fill it with an inch or two of water over a medium heat. Throw in your metal steamer basket and fill it with the potatoes. Cover it and steam until the potatoes are tender, about 10-15 minutes. Dump them into a bowl and smash them around. Some chunks are cool so you don’t need to work too fucking hard at this.
  2. While the potatoes steam, grab a large skillet or wok and heat the oil up over a medium heat. Add the onion and sauté until it begins to brown, 3-5 minutes. Toss in squash and cook for another minute. Add the chili powder, cumin, garlic, black beans, and salt. Cook together for another 2 minutes and then fold in the mashed sweet potato and maple syrup and turn off the heat. Mix until all that shit is combined.
  3. Now you're finally gonna make the motherfuckin enchiladas. Warm your oven up to 375 and grab a 9 by 13 inch baking dish. Cover the bottom of the dish with about 1 ½ cups of enchilada sauce. Using a griddle, your oven, or the microwave, warm up the tortillas. Kinda dip the tortilla around in a little of the sauce in the dish so that the bottom side is all coated. Fill it up with a couple spoonfuls of filling and the roll it up so that it sits seam-side down in the dish. You know how the fuck enchiladas are supposed to look, so just do that. Keep going till you run outta of space or out of filling. Cover the enchiladas with the remaining sauce, cover the dish tightly with foil and throw it in the oven for 20 minutes. Take off the foil and cook it for 5 more. Let it cool for a minute or two before serving. Feel free to top that shit with some sliced avocado or chopped cilantro if you give a fuck about presentation. This goes great with a side of our Baked Spanish Rice and Wilted Garlic Greens from our first cookbook.

 

DAY 10 - CREAMY SQUASH MAC & CHEESE w/HOT SAUCE BREAD CRUMBS

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 101: Fast as Fuck 

mac_cheese_small.jpg

Serves 4-6 people

 

HOT SAUCE BREAD CRUMBS

  • 1 tablespoon olive or safflower oil
  • 2 cups chunky bread crumbs or cubes
  • 3 tablespoons hot sauce*
  • 1 tablespoon unsweetened plain almond milk

CHEESY SAUCE

  • 1 tablespoon plus 
  • ¼  cup olive or safflower oil
  • 1 shallot, chopped, 
  • or ¼  cup chopped yellow onion
  • 2 starchy potatoes, such as russets, peeled and cubed (about 4 cups)
  • 2 carrots, cubed (about 1 ½  cups)
  • 2 cups veggie broth
  • 1 cup unsweetened plain almond milk
  • ½  cup nutritional yeast**
  • 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  • 1 tablespoon Bragg’s or soy sauce
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • 1 pound pasta, like shells, fusilli, or anything that will hold some sauce
  • 2 cups frozen or fresh green peas
  • 2 cups shredded yellow squash

 

  1. First let’s make the bread crumbs: Grab a large skillet with a lid (you’ll see why in a bit) and warm up the oil over medium heat. Toss in the bread crumbs, stir until everything has some oil on it, and keep stirring around every few seconds until all that starts to look a little toasty, 2 to 3 minutes. In a small glass, mix together the hot sauce and milk, then pour it all over the bread crumbs, making sure everything gets coated. Remove from the heat and scrape them onto a plate. Wipe that skillet down right quick cause we’re using that shit again.
  2. Make the cheesy sauce: In that kinda clean skillet, warm up 1 tablespoon of the oil over medium heat. Add the shallot and sauté until it looks kinda golden, 3 to 4 minutes. Stir in the potatoes, carrots, and 1 cup of the broth. Cover and let that shit braise until the potatoes and carrots are soft, about 15 minutes. When the veggies are soft, remove from the heat and let that cool for a sec.
  3. Toss the milk, nutritional yeast, lemon juice, Bragg’s, salt, and remaining 1⁄4 cup oil and 1 cup veggie broth into a blender. Add the softened veggies and all the liquids in the pan to the blender and run that shit until the sauce is all creamy, about 30 seconds.
  4. Meanwhile, cook the pasta according to the package directions. Right before the pasta is done cooking, throw in the frozen peas. Drain the whole pot, then throw it all back into 
    the pot and fold the squash into the pasta.
  5. Pour over the warm cheesy sauce and serve right away topped with hot sauce bread crumbs. Got some extra time? Crank up your oven to 425°F and bake that sonuvabitch, bread crumbs and all, in a large baking dish until the sides start looking crispy, about 20 minutes. Totally worth the wait. 

* We like Frank's Red Hot but use whatever is your fav hot sauce.

** Check the bulk section are you local grocery store or you can get nutritional yeast on Amazon

 

DAY 11 - APPLE ONION FOCACCIA BREAD

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 2: Party Grub  

small_apple_onion_fococcia.jpg

 Makes 1 big ass loaf

  • 2 teaspoons plus
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 medium yellow onion, sliced into thin strips
  • 1 large apple, halved, cored, and sliced into thin half-moons*
  • 1 teaspoon lemon juice
  • 1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme or rosemary
  • Everyday Dough**
  • 1 tablespoon unsweetened nondairy milk of your choice

 
BALSAMIC DIPPING SAUCE (optional)

  • 3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
  • 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 small clove garlic, minced
  • 2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley
  • Pinch of red pepper flakes
  1. Crank your oven up to 450°F. Grease a rimmed baking sheet so your bread doesn't stick.
  2. In a medium skillet, heat up 1 teaspoon of the olive oil over medium heat. Add the onion and saute those fuckers around until they look kinda brown and delicious, 5 to 7 minutes. Scrape the onion out of the pan onto a plate.
  3. Throw another 1 teaspoon olive oil into the same pan. Add the apple slices and cook them over medium heat. Add the lemon juice and thyme and saute until the apple slices are slightly browned, 5 to 7 minutes total. Remove from the heat, cuz it's dough time.
  4. On a well-floured surface, shape your dough into a 4 x 10-inch rectangle about an inch or so thick. Don't pull out a fucking ruler, just eyeball that shit. Place that on your super greased-up baking sheet. Take your fingertips and dimple the top of the bread like you're a phantom of the opera, or some shit like that, playing the organ in a dramatic way. You know what the fuck we're saying. Mix the remaining 2 tablespoons of olive oil with the milk and brush this all over the dough.
  5. Scatter half the onions all over the bread, dimple that shit a little more, and then lay down all the apple slices in a single layer. Make a cool or dumb pattern, spell out fuck, whatever. Scatter on the rest of the onions and then throw that shit in the oven. Bake until the bread looks nice and golden, 15 to 25 minutes. Serve warm or at room temp.
  6. If you are making the dipping sauce, just mix all the ingredients together on a low-rimmed plate or bowl and get to fucking dipping.

* Pink lady, grannysmith, whatever you fav apples are.

** Store bought dough is fine or if you wanna make your own, we have a simple everyday dough recipe in THUG KITCHEN 2: Party Grub on page 226

 

DAY 12 - BROWN SUGAR BLUEBERRY POLENTA SCONES

recipe from THUG KITCHEN 101: Fast as Fuck  

small_scones.jpg

 Makes about 8 scones

  • 1 ½ cups whole wheat pastry or all-purpose flour
  • 1 cup cornmeal*
  • 1/3 cup packed brown sugar, plus more for sprinkling
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup unsweetened plain almond milk, plus more for brushing
  • ¼ cup olive oil
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • ¾ cup blueberries, fresh (or still frozen is cool) 
  1. Crank your oven to 425°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or foil.
  2. Mix together the flour, cornmeal, brown sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt in a large bowl. Whisk together the milk, oil, and vanilla in a medium glass. Not complicated.
  3. Make a well in the center of the flour and pour in the milk mixture. Mix it together until it’s almost all the way combined, but stop short. You don’t want these perfectly blended just yet. Fold in the berries and mix until they’re all in there but be careful not to overdo it because if you over mix they’ll start getting gummy. This is one instance where it’s okay to give a half-ass effort.
  4. Plop the dough out on a cutting board and kinda press it into a rectangle about 1 ½ inches thick and 8 inches long. Halve lengthwise and then crosswise into 2-inch-wide scones. Throw them on the baking sheet and brush them with some almond milk and sprinkle with sugar.
  5. Bake until they look a little golden on the bottom, 12 to 15 minutes. Let them cool on a wire rack for 5 to 10 minutes before serving so you don’t burn the fuck out of your tongue on a molten-hot berry. Been there. They are best served the day they’re made because they’ll get soft the longer they’re left out.

* Like the finely ground kind you use to make cornbread. We used blue cornmeal, but that shit was just for looks. Use whateverthefuck you can find. 

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